When: January 12, 2022 | Where: Carpinteria, California
Miles Cycled: 276 | Days on the Road: 24
ADHD finds all kinds of ways to remind me of my inadequacy. No. Let me change that word to “disability.”
Inadequacy is what I felt for most of my life, as I bought into the still-popular notion that ADHD — especially among adults — is really just excuse making for those who lack discipline and work ethic.
I struggle with the word “disability,” because I feel like I’m commandeering a word meant for people with “real” disabilities. I’m still so conditioned to believe that my disorganized mind doesn’t qualify. That if I just tried harder to focus my thoughts, or to stop absent-mindedly setting things down in places I won’t remember, or to be more “diligent” when reviewing important details… If I just tried harder, I could be like “normal” people.
But, trying harder is never going to change the fundamental architecture of my brain. My brain will never work the same way as a “neurotypical” brain. That fact is always going to cause me to miss things others see plainly. My brain is always going to struggle to keep order from becoming chaos. It’s the brain architecture I was born with, and the fact that I’ve done well in spite of it doesn’t change the truth that it’s always been disabling.
I am not inadequate.
I was tearing up when I wrote that last sentence. I’m laughing now, because I realized that I sat down to write an update on my travels, and got characteristically waylaid by my thoughts.
What I was starting to say was that I got reminded of my “disability” yesterday when I discovered that I had not actually published “Lemuel’s Ramble” yet. For more than a month, I had thought I was putting my thoughts out there for the world to see, and only discovered yesterday that every last idea was stuck in blog purgatory, just waiting for someone to notice the “publish” button… which I hadn’t. So, people who clicked links to entries from social media were informed that “Lemuel’s Ramble” was “COMING SOON!”
Dotting i’s and crossing t’s is never going to be my thing.
It’s fixed now, just in time for me to start heading inland, which I should be doing later today after stopping at a bike shop in Ventura.
My handlebars are just a little too low or too forward, and arm fatigue is proving to be a bigger issue than leg fatigue. I’m hoping they’ll have the part (or parts) I need to solve the issue today, so that I can continue on to Santa Paula or further before dark.